One of my young adult patients recently noticed a Diploma in my office indicating that I was a Diplomate of the American College of Forensic Examiners and asked me why did I want to be a Forensic Psychologist?  It gave me the opportunity to talk with him about  how I ended up working at the intersection of the legal world and clinical psychology.

After going to school for seven years and completing a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, an Internship, and then a Fellowship in Child and Adolescent Psychology, I began a full time private practice.  Since that time in 1984, I have seen literally thousands of children, adolescents, adults, and families, many of whom have been dealing with issues surrounding divorce.  In my first 10 years of practice, I found that among the most challenging and difficult situations that children and parents go through, is a divorce.  In 1998,I became eligible to apply for certification in Forensic Psychology through The American College of Forensic Examiners and have been certified since that time.  While my clinical practice is typically full, I leave one day per week for other professional activities, one of which is Forensic Psychological Evaluations.  This work primarily involves child custody issues, and the development of co-parenting and visitation plans.  Secondarily, I have also performed evaluations in regard to personal injury as well as fitness for duty assessments.  I limit my forensic work to these areas and refer to my forensic psychologist colleagues for other areas of forensic work such as evaluating persons accused of criminal offenses, competency issues, and legal definitions of insanity.

My work as a clinical psychologist has provided me with a foundation upon which to evaluate children and families within my role as a forensic psychologist.  I have been involved in child custody evaluations in Westchester, Putnam, Dutchess, and Orange Counties.  While these evaluations have been challenging, they also have been some of the most important work I have done in helping parents and children move forward.

Being a forensic psychologist in Westchester County has clearly been rewarding.  Having recently opened up an office in Ridgefield CT, I will be looking forward to developing a Forensic Psychology practice in Fairfield County as well.  My long standing commitment to careful and comprehensive evaluations along with the best interests of children, is a natural interface with the role of a Forensic Psychologist in the court system.  So often, abbreviated assessments authorized by court sanctioned agencies, who do the best job they can with the limited time they can devote to a family system, is sadly what is common in Forensic Psychological Evaluations.  

My forensic evaluations often involve up to 40 hours of interviews, telephone consultations, observations, psychological testing data, and review of important documents.  Collectively this allows me to offer attorneys and the Court an in-depth and comprehensive evaluation that provides meaningful input. I have succeeded when I help parents who are at odds with one another avoid inflicting emotional scars on their children and find common ground with a peaceful outcome.  From here, I help all the parties see an opportunity to embark upon a path free from the anger and the hurt underneath.

It has long been discussed that paying attention to one’s successes has a positive impact on an individual and that a focus on our own or other’s shortcomings and failures is not helpful and has the potential for souring any relationship. But recent neuropsychological research at MIT is showing that success has a much greater influence on the brain than does failure.

Neuroscientists and psychologists have studied how the brain learns things for some time now. Have you ever skied and made a series of bad turns, and on another run, felt like you were making one well-constructed turn after another? Or gone bowling and had a number of strikes and spares in a row? It seems that there is more than just luck to good streaks and bad streaks. Neuroscientist Earl Miller who leads a team at MIT recently published an article (Neuron, July 30, 2009) discussing how single cells in the brain learn from positive and negative experiences. In an experiment involving training monkeys to make a choice, researchers found that successful choices caused the level of the neurotransmitter, dopamine, to soar in the monkeys’ brains, and that this then caused the monkeys’ performance to soar. On the other hand, if the monkey made a mistake, even after the monkey had clearly mastered the task, the monkey subsequently did not do better than chance on the next trial. It seems the monkeys’ brains learned far more and far more effectively from positive learning experiences, than from mistakes.

If we look at how we interact with important people in our life, we might ask ourselves how often do we applaud success in the way a hockey team surrounds a teammate who scores a goal, or a bowling team applauds a teammate who makes a strike? In these instances, brain cells register that we have done good, and with that pleasurable feeling, and a flood of dopamine in the brain, our mind tells us to keep doing whatever it is that we were doing that led to that success.

In our day to day lives, there are countless opportunities for us to focus upon ourselves, our achievements, and our successes, and in so doing, not only decrease neediness and feelings of needing to be applauded by others, but also increase the chances for our success to continue. Looking at our successes, no matter how irrelevant to others, can help us to work toward a larger goal. Moment to moment successes at work in the gym, or elsewhere, can segue into larger and broader feelings of self-worth. In the absence of positive feedback, we are vulnerable to negative thinking and more generalized negativity. This can lead to depression as well as have a souring effect on our relationships. Much the way we might tell a child who loses the playoffs to look at the friendships that he or she created throughout the season, we must find in ourselves and in those we love, the positive, the win, the place where some success resides.

In marriages, when needs are not being met, partners are often disappointing one another, and separation is growing amongst a husband and a wife, it becomes clear that little opportunity is present from which either husband or wife can gain the neurochemical momentum to promote the behaviors and affective expression that will allow pleasurable and desirable behaviors to continue. At such times, parties need to take a step back and actively seek out successes. We need to be open to the idea of promoting and applauding our spouse as the sine qua non of happy and successful relationships. It is important to remain mindful of trying to bring out the best in our partner. Meeting the needs of our partner can give both them and ourselves powerful feelings of satisfaction and that can then spiral in a positive direction that allows the relationship to blossom and flourish.

In our children, we need to find islands of competence in which we can applaud their successes. False applause is shallow and has little meaning to a child or teen who tends to pay little attention to what he or she experiences as false praise. But fostering an ability in a child, and then paying attention to those abilities, is a clear path to promoting our children and their self-image. In addition, Miller’s work at MIT sheds light on the neural mechanisms linking environmental feedback to neural plasticity, the brain’s ability to change in response to experience. As such, our attention to success has implications for understanding how we learn, and how we understand and treat children with learning disorders.

March 2010

In my clinical work with many different patients, I have been consistently impressed by the extent to which belonging in social groups and social networks, with its consequent feelings of attachment and belonging is such a powerful predictor of people’s ability to deal with life’s problems and feel satisfied with life in general.

Many studies have shown that sociable people who report feeling like they belong to more than one social group do remarkably better after a significant negative life event. A study done at Columbia University in 2005 looked at over 600 stroke patients and found that patients who were socially isolated where nearly twice as likely to have another stroke within five years as compared with those who had meaningful social relationships!

It seems that victims of a stroke who were cut off from others were the most likely group to suffer another stroke. This increased risk was far more robust that what most people think to be the traditional factors that would produce a secondary stroke such as having coronary artery disease, or being physically inactive, both of which increased the likelihood of a subsequent stroke within the next five years, but by only 30 percent. In addition, a study of 16,000 elderly people by the Harvard School of Public Health found that there is significantly less memory loss in seniors who are more socially integrated and more socially active as compared with less socially active seniors.

Clearly, there is compelling evidence that the psychological factor of isolation is as powerful a predictor of poor health as is the more common negative correlates such as smoking, obesity or high blood pressure. But we do not see the same emphasis on the psychological factor of feelings of belonging as we do heavily publicized medical evidence.

Some might ask if it is important to belong to more than one social group. The danger to belonging to one and only one group is that we put ourselves in a much more vulnerable position, very much along the adage of avoiding having all your eggs in one basket. We can readily see this in a person who is over-involved in his work, and who neglects his family and friends, and then suffers dramatically with the loss of his job; or a jogger who has no other involvements and then injures her knees and can no longer jog. She too would be more vulnerable to these negative consequences than if she had belonged to multiple groups.

Many years ago Oliver Sachs, the Neurologist at Columbia University, wrote “The Man Who Mistook his Wife for a Hat (1998)”. Sachs noted that patients who suffered with severe neurological impairment were not necessarily worse off as a correlation of how severe the impairment was, but rather the extent to which the person maintained a coherent sense of themselves and connections to others. Herein, we see the seminal importance of attachments in protecting ourselves from the inevitable stressors in life. Clearly, having a sense of ourselves and social identity has a very important influence on our general health and well being. We are social beings and for humans, membership in groups seems to be a critically important part of who we are and what we need in order to feel like we are leading satisfying and fulfilling lives. Not only can group life inoculate us against threats to physical or mental difficulties, it can improve our overall feelings of well being with far fewer side effects than pharmaceutical options. Belonging seems to be vitally important. And developing these connections is worthy of the time and energy we must devote to establishing and maintaining our involvement.

February 2010

Recently, I have been working with many persons who have re-entered the dating world, some as young as their mid-twenties and others in their fifties. But after reading a recent article in Psychology Today, I thought I might offer my readers some thoughts on what to look for and what to avoid when starting to date again.

Falling in love with love. First I would caution love-starved persons to be careful not to fall in love with falling in love. Our needs to attach are profound and in the absence of a relationship, we can be so hungry for a relationship that we may be vulnerable to falling in love with the feeling of being in love. That is to say, there isn’t enough attention paid to all the attributes of the person with whom you are getting involved. In addition, physical intimacy can lead us to be prematurely attached because of neurochemical phenomena. Sleeping with someone and developing intimate sexual feelings releases chemicals such as oxytocin that spur bonding and feelings of connection that can be unwise at an early juncture. That is not to say that there aren’t instances wherein powerful chemistry leads to early sexual relations and then blossoms into a meaningful connection. The problem is that this is less common than we might want to believe.

Keep your eyes open. I caution persons beginning to date to look for deal breakers early on in the relationship in order to avoid becoming blind to them during the subsequent months. You want to avoid tunnel vision designed to avoid seeing problems, but at the same time, you want to avoid being intolerant of even minor difficulties. It tends to be true, however, that bad behaviors tend to get worse over time, not better.

Get off the couch. I encourage my patients to get involved with the cyber-dating world. I believe it is a very valuable tool for persons today. Too many people avoid getting out of their routines of watching movies by themselves at home and don’t “get out there” in order to test the waters. Putting yourself out there and seeing what you’re really looking for in a relationship can be a self-awareness promoting activity.

Choose well but choose. People often find that they are going on many more dates than they ever imagined they would be having. A myriad of dating sites can allow most people to have many different dates per week if they want to date that much. But problems can occur when you get too much data. With many dates per week with different people, you are vulnerable to letting your mind get in the way of your heart. Rather, allow your heart and mind to work together and when someone seems like they might be the one, give them the chance to show themselves to you and see where it goes. Don’t suspend your mind but don’t let it get in your way either.

Gently Move Out of Your Comfort Zone. It helps to get out of your habits. If you believe that you can only date a certain type of person, go out of your way to date someone who violates that criteria for you and try to be open about that person. It can be a very psychological enhancing activity for us to make ourselves over and get out of the habits that often got in the way of making our previous relationships work out.

In my work with couples, I maintain a strong commitment to helping couples work things out and recapture the love that characterized the early years of their relationship. But for those persons who have moved on from unhappy relationships, and are now entering the dating world, I want to offer you support. There is a life out there for you and someone with whom you can share it. It will take you time, and it will take you effort, but I believe it will happen.

October 2009

Having worked with over 100 couples over the past 25 years of clinical work, I find myself often thinking about what problems and concerns most often emerge as the core issues creating the problems in the relationship, and then, what qualities and strengths characterize the persons who successfully participate in martial therapy. And what I most often end up focusing upon is helping couples reconnect and re-elicit the love that characterized their relationship when it first started. While I have not been able to help all couples reconnect and leave therapy in a happy and satisfied place, I have had many successes. I recall that one man whom I saw in marital therapy frequently referred to his marriage as a “Garage”: cluttered, cold, disorganized, and filled with lots of shit. And so I thought about that and have come up with my own GARAGE. Only my garage is one that serves as a treatment plan for where I hope relationships can go: GARAGE…Gratitude. Acceptance. Reactivity (lose it). Annoyances. Giving. Engagement.

Expressing Gratitude is an important component of all healthy relationships. In our love relationships, feeling under appreciated or unappreciated is a common dynamic in many troubled relationships. Early on in a relationship, most of us are eager to do almost anything to please our partners, particularly when our efforts are appreciated. But over time, we can start to feel that we are under appreciated or not even noticed. Even worse, if we are criticized for what we fail to do rather then noticed for what we are doing, withdrawal of love is a common sequelae. Alternately, irritation can lead to feelings of anger or helplessness. Feeling thankful, and experiencing it, is so important.

Acceptance is a central component of healthy relationships and very often not prominent in couples who are struggling. Those things that we find annoying or upsetting, or by which we are hurt or made angry, may simply be the personality characteristics of our partner. Finding in our own heart the ability to accept our partners as they are, with openness and honesty about what we want and what we need, is the key. Our efforts cannot be to change our partners, but rather to inspire our partners to want to meet our needs. This is the sine qua non of healthy relationships. We must not experience our partnerís actions as a deliberate or personal slight or as a message that they do not care about us or prioritize us. It is dangerous to fall prey to “if you really loved me you would…”. Acceptance of our partners for everything that we love about them, and even those things which we find annoying in them, is important.

Reactivity is common in relationships that have gone on for many years because that which we found only mildly irritating early on in the relationship, can become a very significant irritant when it has occurred frequently over many years. Michael Cunningham’s work at the University of Louisville, in his study of 160 couples, found that people suppressed their irritating behaviors when they first date or in the early years of their marriages, but that once they are truly committed they tend to let their defenses down and their tendency to behave in a reactive fashion is more likely. So the first time your spouse is a little loud at a party, it can be mildly irritating. But the 100th time that they are can feel like the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. At those times, settling oneself, and being mindful of the fact that what it is that is bothering you is actually a relatively small issue in and of itself, can go a long way in smoothing out conflictual relationships.

Annoyances are common in all relationships. Most mature adults realize that it is impossible to find another person who’s every way of doing things is perfectly in line with our own. Fundamentally, our growing up and our way of looking at the world is derived from are genetic predispositions and the influence of significant others in our lives. These become hard wired in our brains. We can find it annoying when our partners do not do things the way we are accustomed to having them done. But when things are annoying to us it is important that we do not look at the issue as our partner’s problem, whether it is leaving wet towels on the floor, interrupting, or leaving the toilet seat up. Rather, when we feel like “something in this relationship needs to change”, we need to look at ourselves, with an understanding that no matter how annoying or frustrating our partnerís behaviors are to us, what matters most is the meaning we attach to it and our interpretation of it. And we can be comforted by the fact that when we can change the meaning we attach to that behavior, we can feel better.

Giving is an important aspect of all relationships. But so often even true “givers” are prone to giving what we ourselves want to give, and not what our partner wants. In essence, it is crucial to understand and appreciate the differences between ourselves and our partners, and revel in them, enjoy them, flourish with them, and not see our way as the right way. Our needs are probably not our partnerís needs. Our wants are probably not our partnerís wants. Give from your heart but give what your partner wants, what your partner asks for, and what your partner needs.

Engaging our partners in open and honest communication, always with kindness, is an important component of healthy relationships. Very often when we are criticized or hurt in some way, we either withdraw, defend ourselves, or attack. I have never seen a relationship improve when aggression is met with aggression. Open and honest communication, always with kindness and compassion, characterizes the healthiest relationships. Negativity, nagging, telling our partner what is wrong with them…none of this is helpful. Learning to communicate openly and honestly and learning to resolve differences through acceptance of those differences, is a vital component in making relationships work.

August 2009

Very often in relationships, jealous feelings about a loved one paying attention to another person impacts the quality of the attachment we have in that relationship. Jealousy is a complex emotion that is often accompanied by other powerful feelings of fear, abandonment, loss, sorrow, anger, betrayal, or humiliation. Ultimately, jealousy activates the attachment system in our psyches and to that extent is an extremely powerful emotion. Classic signs of jealousy such as fear of losing our lover, lack of trust, or anger at a real or imagined emotional investment in another person, so often can lead to efforts to control a loved one. My clinical practice has shown me that those efforts to limit our partnerís involvements outside of the relationship, to control our partner, is often the sine qua non of a relationship heading for dissolution.

Jealousy has a first cousin, envy, but they are not the same thing. Jealousy tends to develop when you are in a relationship and at some point feel threatened that someone might be taking something away from you that you believe is truly yours. In this threat, your rival may or may not engender feelings of envy. But you can feel jealous irregardless of the attributes you believe the other party possesses. In contrast, envy comes from a belief that someone has something that you donít have, something that you believe is more desirable than that which you posses.

If I were to say only one thing about jealousy, I would want to emphasize that it says so much more about ourselves than anything having to do with our partner or a perceived threat. So often, when jealousy arrives at our doorstep, we blame our discomfort on our partner involving themselves with, or showing attention to, someone else. But we need to be clear with ourselves that these jealous feelings say much more about the insecurity we have within ourselves, and in the worst case, makes us prone to unrealistic perceptions of threat with resultant false accusations. And yet, jealous feelings do not have to be destructive if first, they are shared with our partners, and following this, serve as a guide for us to look within ourselves in an effort to soothe and repair our own feelings of insecurity. Jealous feelings can serve as a barometer we can use to measure our level of insecurity.

Many psychologists have believed that our inclination to feel jealous is strongly influenced by two factors. The first of these is our emotional stability, which is the extent to which we are able to manage strong feelings such as anger, anxiety, and depression without disruption to our life. A second factor is that of agreeableness, i.e., a tendency to be kind, cooperative, and compassionate. This too diminishes oneís proclivity for jealousy. The agreeable and emotionally stable person is less likely to feel jealous.

Another factor to consider when jealous feelings emerge has to do with “mate value” in the relationship. This refers to any discrepancy one feels in regard to oneís own versus your partnerís desirability. If such a discrepancy is felt, e.g., if you feel that your partner is much more attractive than yourself, you are more likely to be plagued with jealous feelings. At such a time, we may come to the realization that we will not be able to replace our partner with someone of equal value in the event of losing that person. This situation leaves us feeling “hyper-alert” and will likely activate jealous feelings. If we feel that a discrepancy exists in one particular area of the relationship, but that we have an equivalent amount to offer our partner in another area, then there is balance. The total perceived value of your partnership is what is most important.

Psychologist, Steven Stosney, Ph.D., who appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show a number of years ago, said that “the formula for jealousy is an insecure person times an insecure relationship”, and he added that “insecure people tend to destabilize relationships and then make them insecure”. Feeling insecure lends itself to perceptions that you have less value and therefore less importance within the relationship. In contrast, feeling secure fosters deep feelings of attachment and mitigates jealous feelings.

When we can see the destructive impact of jealousy, we more easily see jealousy as a blaming phenomenon. When jealous feelings emerge it is so important to look inside ourselves for our own feelings of insecurity and not resort to finger pointing which ultimately results in three fingers pointing back at us. And yet, jealousy must not shatter ourself regard and self esteem but rather signal ourselves to do some work, internal work, to feel better about ourselves. When we want to control our partner, we need to remember that this will always introduce toxicity into the relationship. Our efforts to control our partners reflect far more than our fears about losing something of value, and far more about our own need for power and control in the relationship.

A little jealousy, particularly early in a relationship, can be useful because it signals to us the desirability of the other person. Fear of losing something perceived to be valuable often gives us feedback about how much we value the other person. To never feel any fear of losing a relationship suggests that there is less value in that relationship. Ultimately, we all want deep love and healthy feelings of attachment. The fear of losing that love when we die or our partner dies, is normal and natural. Jealousy, on the other hand, does not only reflect this fear of losing love but more saliently, and not-so-consciously, it reflects feelings of insecurity that we have within ourselves.

June 2009

In my practice, I have seen hundreds of couples for marital therapy. So often, one of the findings of a marital therapy evaluation is an absence of a core love that once existed in the relationship. Somehow, this deep love for eachother that was once there has been covered up in the tangled web of life’s struggles, extended family obligations, children, financial stress, and the vicissitudes of life that collectively interfere with a couples’ access to what was once their deep love for each other.

Inherent in that deep love, at its essence, is a desire for a secure connection with another person. The mutual deep love that was once the hallmark of the relationship when it first began, often grows into each person relying on the other for nurturing and affective sustenance. Researchers have uncovered clear evidence for humans being wired for needing emotional contact and responsiveness, emanating from the earliest years of one’s infancy wherein a baby seeks comfort with its mother. This is the sine qua non of attachment theory and those of us who subscribe to the seminal importance of attachment theory believe that this need for secure attachment never disappears. However, many of the components of our culture have framed such deep needs for attachment as a flaw in our personality makeup. There has been a confounding of what is a healthy intense desire for attachment and love, with a pathological level of neediness. Having an attachment to a trusted and loved person in ones life is a tremendous source of security and safety that is a hallmark of mental health. In its absence, people often suffer with feelings of loneliness and isolation that can lead to maladaptive coping mechanisms and be psychologically damaging and even traumatizing.

I have seen so much separation in so many couples that present for marital counseling, and while each person experiences this separation in their own way, what is common among both parties in so many couples, is a feeling of disconnection. At those times, we struggle to express our wants and needs directly and because of unmet needs for safety and security, and end up expressing our needs for connection and attachment in unhealthy ways. When we most need our partner to reach out to us, it is often exactly the same time that we have the most serious doubts about our partner’s love for us. As a result, we question whether or not we are valued, loved, or desired.

Superficial arguments as well as more deep-seated conflicts can be understood within a framework of becoming more aware of our doubts about the deep love that was once present in the relationship. Expressions of anger, feeling attacked, withdrawing emotionally…all of these mechanisms make it harder for each individual to express their longings for a safe and secure attachment, the sine qua non of deep love.

As deep love is felt between two people, an intensely fulfilling, encompassing, and rewarding relationship ensues. But what can also and often does emerge is the fear of the loss of that love. These fears can turn into day to day arguments over power and control, struggles between being emotionally available for each other versus being selfish, acting up and acting out, or verbal attacks and withdrawal. At such times the pain can shut down our hearts and make us less open to expressing our needs in a healthy way. At such times we need to try to embrace complete openness and honest communication about our needs and wants, always with compassion. It is this completely open and honest expression of our heart that is the first step along the path out of unhealthy and destructive patterns of relating.

When embarking on a completely open and honest expression of feelings (as earlier noted always with compassion), the role of awareness emerges with great importance. By becoming aware of yourself and your needs, and allowing your partner to enhance your awareness, you can come to love yourself more fully, and be more fully accepting yourself. This then opens you up to be more completely accepting of your partner. By looking within rather than to your partner for your own happiness, you become increasingly aware that no single person can meet all your needs, avoid unhealthy neediness, and feel intense desire that is void of expectations.

In my work to help couples work through their unhealthy relationship struggles, I often teach them to go far beyond basic communication skills. Through mutual understanding of each person’s underlying needs for a safe and secure attachment and deep love, the emotional distance with which each person is suffering can be decreased on route to a more satisfying marital relationship. Hearing the message from an attachment-based prospective, and understanding each of our needs for deep love from our partners, is so often the healthiest way in which to repair even the most damaged marital relationship.

Getting help in maximizing one’s awareness of these needs for a safe and secure attachment and deep love is often the first step in repairing a relationship that is burdened by separation. Accepting your attachment needs and desire for a safe and secure relationship is often then a theme throughout the process of getting a relationship back on track. After that awareness is enhanced, a deep and lasting love for each other can be established by ongoing examination of what one’s own needs are that occur in re-occurring arguments. At a particular time in the treatment process, when I have asked my patients to hug each other for 30 to 60 seconds in my office, I am hoping that each person’s longing for feelings of attachment can become palpable. I am also hoping that feelings of deep love can be rekindled, and fears can be mitigated. By prescribing such an extended hug, I try to help a couple to let go of fears of rejection and in so doing, find more of their true selves, more connection to their own healthy, love for themselves, and an ability to deeply love their partner.

February 2009

How does your brain manage to see both the trees and the forest? A team of researchers from Harvard Medical School and McGill University conducted a new study that suggests that getting the big picture requires some downtime and to help the most, a night of restful sleep. The ability to recognize hidden relations among our memories, a characteristically human feature, is vital for solving problems in creative ways. To understand how this ìrelational memoryî develops, the team of researchers from Harvard Medical School and McGill University presented students with pairs of abstract images in which one image was considered ìgreaterî, and then asked them to determine the hierarchy of the images in new combinations. Subjects tested 20 minutes after the learning period performed no better than chance ñ their brains had not yet been able to figure out any new connections. However, those who were tested after at least 12 hours were much more successful in detecting the hidden relations. And a third group of participants, who had slept during their 12 hours of time away from testing, outperformed the other groups, in particular, with the most difficult inferences. ìThe process of binding memories together evolves over timeî, says neuropsychologist Dr. Jeffrey Ellenbogen, a member of the research team. As people sleep or even when we give our brains an opportunity to focus upon other tasks, it seems our brains do much better at making connections between newly learned information and information that pertains to the bigger picture. This new study has implications for couples who are prone to engaging in disagreements that can lead to unhealthy, destructive, and often polarizing arguments. It seems that it will help if we can just listen to our partner, take in what they have to say, and then ask our partner to listen to what we have to say, and then take it in. I might then ask each member of a couple to take a day and a night to sort out what they are thinking and feeling about the issue, and then think about what their partnerís viewpoint was. At that time, the bigger picture into which both positions might be able to be seen, can more likely emerge. And persons in relationships may find themselves being able to make connections between what were once discrepant views and find connections with their partner that they might not otherwise experience. October 2008

Most people believe that intelligence plays the key role in children’s academic achievement. A recent study by Pennsylvania State University researchers, however, found that the ability to self-regulate (to pay attention to a task and inhibit impulsive behavior) was more predictive than intelligence for early academic success. Simply put, children who can control their impulses do better in school. The study focused on 3-5 year olds and showed that preschoolers’ capacity for self-control was the best predictor of their performance in math and reading in Kindergarten. Scores on intelligence tests were less correlated with academic achievement. A child’s ability to monitor his or her thinking and behavior develops very rapidly during the preschool years. Psychologist Dr. Clancy Blair, who led the study, says that the data gives concrete support to preschool programs that focus directly on self-regulation. Dr. Blair wrote that pre-schools need to provide young children with regular activities to decrease impulsiveness and instant gratification and to promote attention and awareness of one’s own and others’ thoughts and feelings. With this in mind, my work with many parents of young children centers upon helping parents promote their children’s school readiness with an emphasis upon activities that involve taking turns, paying attention for sustained periods and giving incentives for thoughtful responses. Often, parents do not take the opportunity to discuss these capacities with their children. Parents can often serve as models for these behaviors, and then verbally mediating their behavior with their child in earshot. In particular, parents can work together with their child ‘coincidently nearby’ taking turns with the remote control or sections of the newspaper. Parents can also pay active attention to each other’s efforts to be thoughtful by verbalizing one’s appreciation. Children’s incidental learning of these skills can be enhanced when parents remain mindful of their importance. August 2008

In David Geary’s new book, Male, Female: The Evolution of Human Sex Differences, he makes some important distinctions between how men and women are needy in different ways. It seems that men tend to get obsessed before they land a partner, while women tend to get obsessed after they find one. While many men and women become desperate for a guarantee of love, the desperation tends to kick in at different points in the relationship.

In my practice, I have seen both men and women discuss their neediness in relationships with persons whom they are not particularly enamored. I recall a woman I saw many years ago who presented with the symptom of feeling like she could no longer love. She had written off men for the past 10 years because of the anguish associated with her need for love, and had now paradoxically decided to avoid love altogether. It was just too painful for her. Her profound neediness became the focus of my work with her. In contrast, a man who saw me years ago suffered with the break-up of a woman with whom he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life. His heartache was palpable and he suffered deeply. But within 6 weeks, he was off to races to find the next woman with whom he hoped to fall in love.

In general, women take longer to get emotionally involved, but once they pass the threshold, they often can be more emotionally invested in the relationship. A woman may be more likely to test her partner’s intentions, but once reasonably convinced that he’s there, she may get obsessive. Men, by contrast, often begin relationships at a level of fairly intense emotional investment, because they have a lot to gain from immediate coupling. For men, the agony is on how to get a woman, more than how to keep her.

In some cases, the less a man knows about a woman, the more alluring she is at first—and the more driven he is to interact with her. This is because men often tend to dream up the perfect woman, a bias that spurs them to give chase. Geary states that “Male idealization of female’s smoothes the courting process.”

When it comes to seeking long-term relationships, men get obsessed with women who they believe are within their reach. A man will not be needy around the supermodel type, because he does not ultimately believe she can fall in love with him. Rather, a man will pursue a woman doggedly, sparing no time, energy, or expense on a woman’s every non-sexual concern to show that they’re not “just in it for the sex.” This behavior may be particularly evident when a guy suspects the relationship is not going anywhere, but he can’t seem to put the brakes on. Men’s neediness is most likely to kick in when they are not sure they can obtain someone, but believe that they have a shot. The needy approach may entice a woman at first, but such behavior undermines a man’s goal because women generally lose interest in guys who get clingy and act more like a butler than a boyfriend.

Desire and neediness are separate entities. Wanting someone or something with all your heart does not by definition mean that you’re needy. You can want something passionately without turning it into an absolute necessity. A desire says, “I’d like to make this work because I really like and love this person—and I really want this to work. The needy and obsessed individual says, “This relationship must work out, or else I’m a loser and I’ll be single forever.”

Deep love does not need to fraught with neediness. When you get rid of neediness, you don’t become indifferent but rather more passionate; you experience desire and connection that is not spoiled by desperation. The act of loving can give both men and women more fulfillment than receiving love. Avoid living on the thin ice of belief that you can’t be happy without that certain someone.

February 2008